I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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