Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
