Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
