At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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