I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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