Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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