maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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