Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
