it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
