Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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