On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
