i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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