I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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