well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
