We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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