Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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