That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
