I just threw up on my dentist
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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