i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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