I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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