I wish my penis had an off switch
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
