My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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