I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
