after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
