we're chasing vodka with high fives
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
