see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
