I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
