WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
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You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
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You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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