you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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