were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
