The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
