PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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