i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
