I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
