I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
