I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
