I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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