So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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