She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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