I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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