I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
