who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
