hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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