Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
