I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
