ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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