Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I cannot find my penis.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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