You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
