How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
