also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
