oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need to wash the frat house off of me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
