dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen