fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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