woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
