He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Two words: nipple clamps
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