You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
