Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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