i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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