my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
